[If heartbreak has an emotion, Mitsuki will feel it full force from Albert the moment he pulls away. Yet that resignation is back on his face, and he manages a smile, as dead and fake and distant as the day they met.]
No. Of course not. In your position, I don't think I'd know what to think, either.
[Somehow, his hands steady, and he moves to open the water. But after a moment's thought, he offers it to Mitsuki instead. It's unopened, still.]
I was selfish. I know. Even that much was a sin in its own right. I thought... [His voice cracks, but he barrels through.] ...I thought of my own happiness before I thought of the impact the truth might have on you. By the time I realized how foolish I was, I... [He loved him. He loved him desperately, deeply, with every last shred of his dignity, with all the ferocity of a heart that's been mended in a man who's learning to live a new life.] ...I was too attached. I didn't want to let go of you.
[He looks at the wall, staring blankly ahead now.]
That isn't who I am now, but I can't erase my past. I can't bring any of them back. I am... what I created. [Albert closes his eyes, fighting back the tightness he feels in his throat.] And I am deeply, utterly sorry to have disappointed you, and to have exposed you to someone so unforgivable.
[He wants to tell him he loves him. That he's changed because of him. That Mitsuki alone made him believe he didn't need to harm anyone ever again. That his soul has been salvaged by this beautiful, bright, remarkable man.
But that's... selfish, too. He knows it is. He knows it would sound like begging, or perhaps manipulation, because he's all too skilled at that. He'd rather Mitsuki make up his own mind about things.
It will be lonely without him. He feels he'll lose hope entirely. But maybe that's for the best. He didn't deserve hope to begin with, after all.]
[Albert's heart is breaking, and Mitsuki feels like he's suffocating. He wants to make things better - that's all he's ever wanted to do. Ever since meeting Albert, he's wanted him to be happy. He's wanted to see him smile a genuine smile.
Seeing that lifeless smile again stings, feels almost like a slap in the face, but what is he expecting? He knows that nothing about this is fine. Nothing about this is okay. The man he thought he knew, the man he loved, is... A stranger, now.
Looking at Albert hurts, so he turns his gaze to the wall, to the furniture in the room, falling on the vanity and the mirror that's so familiar to him now. That's just as painful as looking at Albert, though, so he closes his eyes with a shuddery sigh.]
I... Need time. To think about this.
[His hands ball into fists, gripping the sheets tight. He's tense all over, coiled and ready to - ready to what, he doesn't know. He doesn't want to run, and he doesn't want to fight, but everything he feels is so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely hold himself together.]
But...
[...]
I'm not... Going to just give up on you, okay? I... I don't know what to do, but...
[He doesn't want to let go of Albert just yet - maybe he's the selfish one in all of this, still caring so deeply for someone who's done something so terrible. It hurts, though, seeing Albert like this, and the thought of never being able to see him with light in his eyes...
He doesn't know what he'd do, but he also doesn't know if he can stand the thought of... Any of this between them. He doesn't want to give Albert false hope, but he's never been so lost and felt so alone before. He can't tell anyone else about this, because he's sure they'd hate Albert, so...
[It might be more reasonable for Albert to not get his hopes up, but Mitsuki saying he won't give up on him makes a touch of the queasiness subside. Maybe... there's hope. Maybe they can still be friends. Something, anything, he'll take anything at this point because losing Mitsuki is the most painful thing he's thought of since he arrived here.
He needs time, and Albert will give it to him. He'll stay out of his way, give him space. He'll give him anything. The flowers will stop arriving at the bakery, and he won't stop by before heading to the office. They won't hold hands or kiss or be anything at all, as far as Albert is concerned. If he breaks things off for now in his heart, it will hurt less if they're never returned again.]
If... you'd like to talk to anyone, Ignis also knows. I confessed to him some time ago, when he noticed the problems I was having with William and Louis.
[Albert's heart feels so dull, his senses feel foggy... He can't see properly, but he doesn't realize that it's because he's crying for several moments. Then he makes a gentle movement to pull a handkerchief from his nightstand to cover his face with.]
I'm... so sorry. I don't have any right to be upset, I know that. I never intended to hurt you, though. Please... please know that. I only ever wanted to see you smile.
[As he clenches the handkerchief in one hand, he reaches for his phone with the other. It feels so... final, doing this. Acknowledging in his heart that if he does this, Mitsuki may never step into this house again. That they may never look at each other again. He doesn't doubt the sincerity of him not wanting to give up, but some things are just... insurmountable.
Again again again, he wants to tell him how much he loves him, how he doesn't want to live in this world without him. How much it destroys him to think that he's hurt Mitsuki.]
Let me call someone to take you home.
[He punches a few things into his phone with his thumb, fumbling like he hasn't been using it these six months. He has to stop and take a deep breath. This was his own fault. He did this. He ruined his own life. He deserves to suffer, to be alone. To lose the sun in his sky.
So why does it hurt? Why was he foolish enough to let himself love? Mitsuki isn't a soldier, he isn't anything so rough and terrible. He's an idol, a brilliant conversationalist, a gifted performer... He is leagues above what Albert deserves.
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no subject
No. Of course not. In your position, I don't think I'd know what to think, either.
[Somehow, his hands steady, and he moves to open the water. But after a moment's thought, he offers it to Mitsuki instead. It's unopened, still.]
I was selfish. I know. Even that much was a sin in its own right. I thought... [His voice cracks, but he barrels through.] ...I thought of my own happiness before I thought of the impact the truth might have on you. By the time I realized how foolish I was, I... [He loved him. He loved him desperately, deeply, with every last shred of his dignity, with all the ferocity of a heart that's been mended in a man who's learning to live a new life.] ...I was too attached. I didn't want to let go of you.
[He looks at the wall, staring blankly ahead now.]
That isn't who I am now, but I can't erase my past. I can't bring any of them back. I am... what I created. [Albert closes his eyes, fighting back the tightness he feels in his throat.] And I am deeply, utterly sorry to have disappointed you, and to have exposed you to someone so unforgivable.
[He wants to tell him he loves him. That he's changed because of him. That Mitsuki alone made him believe he didn't need to harm anyone ever again. That his soul has been salvaged by this beautiful, bright, remarkable man.
But that's... selfish, too. He knows it is. He knows it would sound like begging, or perhaps manipulation, because he's all too skilled at that. He'd rather Mitsuki make up his own mind about things.
It will be lonely without him. He feels he'll lose hope entirely. But maybe that's for the best. He didn't deserve hope to begin with, after all.]
no subject
Seeing that lifeless smile again stings, feels almost like a slap in the face, but what is he expecting? He knows that nothing about this is fine. Nothing about this is okay. The man he thought he knew, the man he loved, is... A stranger, now.
Looking at Albert hurts, so he turns his gaze to the wall, to the furniture in the room, falling on the vanity and the mirror that's so familiar to him now. That's just as painful as looking at Albert, though, so he closes his eyes with a shuddery sigh.]
I... Need time. To think about this.
[His hands ball into fists, gripping the sheets tight. He's tense all over, coiled and ready to - ready to what, he doesn't know. He doesn't want to run, and he doesn't want to fight, but everything he feels is so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely hold himself together.]
But...
[...]
I'm not... Going to just give up on you, okay? I... I don't know what to do, but...
[He doesn't want to let go of Albert just yet - maybe he's the selfish one in all of this, still caring so deeply for someone who's done something so terrible. It hurts, though, seeing Albert like this, and the thought of never being able to see him with light in his eyes...
He doesn't know what he'd do, but he also doesn't know if he can stand the thought of... Any of this between them. He doesn't want to give Albert false hope, but he's never been so lost and felt so alone before. He can't tell anyone else about this, because he's sure they'd hate Albert, so...
What else can he do?]
no subject
He needs time, and Albert will give it to him. He'll stay out of his way, give him space. He'll give him anything. The flowers will stop arriving at the bakery, and he won't stop by before heading to the office. They won't hold hands or kiss or be anything at all, as far as Albert is concerned. If he breaks things off for now in his heart, it will hurt less if they're never returned again.]
If... you'd like to talk to anyone, Ignis also knows. I confessed to him some time ago, when he noticed the problems I was having with William and Louis.
[Albert's heart feels so dull, his senses feel foggy... He can't see properly, but he doesn't realize that it's because he's crying for several moments. Then he makes a gentle movement to pull a handkerchief from his nightstand to cover his face with.]
I'm... so sorry. I don't have any right to be upset, I know that. I never intended to hurt you, though. Please... please know that. I only ever wanted to see you smile.
[As he clenches the handkerchief in one hand, he reaches for his phone with the other. It feels so... final, doing this. Acknowledging in his heart that if he does this, Mitsuki may never step into this house again. That they may never look at each other again. He doesn't doubt the sincerity of him not wanting to give up, but some things are just... insurmountable.
Again again again, he wants to tell him how much he loves him, how he doesn't want to live in this world without him. How much it destroys him to think that he's hurt Mitsuki.]
Let me call someone to take you home.
[He punches a few things into his phone with his thumb, fumbling like he hasn't been using it these six months. He has to stop and take a deep breath. This was his own fault. He did this. He ruined his own life. He deserves to suffer, to be alone. To lose the sun in his sky.
So why does it hurt? Why was he foolish enough to let himself love? Mitsuki isn't a soldier, he isn't anything so rough and terrible. He's an idol, a brilliant conversationalist, a gifted performer... He is leagues above what Albert deserves.
He shouldn't have ever started this.]