[The second Mitsuki touches his arms again, Albert's head whips up. And then the dream ends, abruptly and nearly violently for him, Albert gasping for air as he sits up in bed. It's like he's been breathing in the smoke, his body wracked with gasps and coughs for a full minute before he has the presence of mind to reach for the water bottle on his nightstand.
But he can't get the lid open with his hands shaking so terribly, and he ends up simply cradling it in his hands on his lap as he hunches forward, hanging his head. The coughs turn to simply a great heaving of his shoulders as he steadies himself, his breath and his mind. The dreams usually leave him in a cold sweat for a while, then he can head back to sleep.
[Waking up is a shock - he’s not expecting it, and he’s disoriented for a moment, not sure what’s going on or where he is. Then everything comes back to him, and he’s turning towards Albert.
He pushes himself upright, cautiously placing a hand on his back. He hopes the touch is soothing, rubbing for a moment and waiting for the coughing to subside. He shuffles closer and wraps himself around Albert once his breathing seems easier, closing his eyes.
He takes a slow breath, trying to sort through everything he saw and not sure where to start.]
[It takes all of Albert's strength to not recoil when he's touched, but he goes entirely still for a moment. The pause is lengthy, weighing heavily on him, before he all but melts into Mitsuki's hold.]
No. I'm sorry... I've been selfish, Mitsuki. I hope you can forgive me for that much, if not for the rest.
[Everything tells him to run, to continue the farce that is him being an upstanding, generous, helpful, perfect sort of man. He could lie right now. He could say it was just a nightmare that meant nothing... But lying to Mitsuki is the last thing he wants to do. He's avoided it this long, and he doesn't want to start now.
So, as the man he is--a Moriarty--he steels himself. He'll accept his punishment. He'll accept his sins catching up to him again. For a fleeting, sickening moment, he thinks that he's grateful he'll still have Ignis after this, when all he can do is mourn losing Mitsuki's trust and love.
It's the only end he can see for someone as good as Mitsuki. The man ought to run from this as fast as he can.
But it aches. He doesn't want pity, or understanding, or anything of the sort... yet the thought of losing Mitsuki at all makes him want to frankly die here and now. He was never good enough for him, he knows, but as he turns slightly and wraps his arms around Mitsuki, holding him more tightly than he ever has, he wishes more than anything that he could be enough.
The only thing that keeps him from crying is the absolute dread. The resignation. It's his own fault. He knows.]
[He has so many questions, he doesn't even know where to start. The burning building, the bodies, the woman Albert stabbed with no hesitation... The way he just stood there, the way he reacted to seeing Mitsuki there.
His words catch in his throat, as it sinks in just how little he knows about Albert. There are things he knows about - his status, being in the military, his brothers, but... There's so many secrets, too. How many things has he kept hidden from him?
And why? What is he so afraid of Mitsuki knowing? What has he done that he sees as being unforgiveable?
(What if it really is something Mitsuki can't forgive? What if he loses Albert? The thought is horrifying, painful, and he feels his eyes stinging as he clings onto him.)]
Albert... Talk to me. Please.
[He sounds as desperate as he feels, and he's sure Albert can feel his fear through their bond, can sense the trepidation. He so desperately hope it's nothing, just more silly, outdated Victorian nonsense, but...
[After a few moments of heavy silence, Albert raises his head and looks Mitsuki in the eyes. His own eyes look as dull as Mitsuki looks frightened, and there's a terrible notion of resignation on his face. Like he knows where this will go. He fears it, more than anything, more than he fears death or imprisonment or any other just punishment for his crimes. Mitsuki's rejection would destroy a part of him that he didn't know he had until he came here.
And still, he steels himself for it.]
If I tell you what it was you saw, you won't look at me the same way again. You may even hate me. But... [His smile is thin, forced.] I owe you the truth. After all, even if I kept this secret forever it wouldn't change that I am... a monster, truly. You have every right to decide whether or not you can accept someone like me.
[His hands still shake, and all the emotions he's been frantically trying not to share suddenly settle into something cold and sad. Loneliness.]
I'm afraid I don't know where to begin. The shortest, simplest version of events... is that our world... No, our empire was rotten to the core. People of lower status had nothing, and there were those in the nobility who treated them as lower than dogs, as less than human. I, more than anyone, couldn't endure the cruelty of my peers, even from a very young age. I resolved to do something, anything, whatever I could...
[It's not the short version at all, he thinks, and he looks away for a moment. If only there was a way to convey what turmoil he went through, how much desperate thought went into his young idealism.]
So I, along with William and Louis, became vigilantes of a sort. To those nobles who killed people of the lower class, or did worse than simply kill, we meted out punishment where we could. We wanted to start a revolution, for the people to rise up and destroy the noble class. I will say until the end that I was the one who began it, and I vowed to see things through. From what I understand, at some point after my coming here, I was imprisoned for my part in everything. I know I don't deserve even to be alive, but an enduring punishment must've satisfied Her Majesty.
[Now a pang of fear and remorse runs through Albert, and he doesn't bother checking it at all. Mitsuki will likely feel it clearly. It doesn't miss his voice either, which is low and strained, like a man who's been screaming for hours.]
It cost me everything, Mitsuki. It cost me my very heart and soul. I became someone I loathed, and still do. I know that now. I was wrong, even if my cause was right.
There’s a lot left unsaid, a lot left implied, but it paints a clear enough picture. He can imagine the kind of punishment they meted out. He can picture it clearly - idealism taken to an extreme, but…
But does wanting to change the world make everything okay? Is it enough to justify murder?
Mitsuki…]
Albert…
[Mitsuki doesn’t know. It feels so unfathomable, something beyond what he could have anticipated or expected. He knows people kill for lesser reasons. He knows the place Albert is from is much from the world he knows, but…
It’s still so much.
It’s perhaps too much. How can he reconcile the past six months with Albert with all of this? If Albert knows he was wrong, then… Shouldn’t he allow him the chance to repent? To pay for his crimes? Is that even something he gets a say in?
He feels ill, and his grip on Albert loosens incrementally until he lets go, leaning back. He stares at the man for a long, long moment, at a complete and utter loss for words. It’s unusual for Mitsuki, who made his mark on the world with conversation, but… What does he say to all of this?
He doesn’t even know what to think. Can he be happy with Albert knowing about the blood on his hands? Can he offer him forgiveness? He’s no saint, he knows that much, and he knows Albert must fear that from the emotions that still linger between them.]
I don’t…
[He swallows.]
I don’t know what to think.
[All he knows is that it hurts and that it feels a bit like he’s been betrayed…
And that maybe he would have preferred never learning the truth.]
[If heartbreak has an emotion, Mitsuki will feel it full force from Albert the moment he pulls away. Yet that resignation is back on his face, and he manages a smile, as dead and fake and distant as the day they met.]
No. Of course not. In your position, I don't think I'd know what to think, either.
[Somehow, his hands steady, and he moves to open the water. But after a moment's thought, he offers it to Mitsuki instead. It's unopened, still.]
I was selfish. I know. Even that much was a sin in its own right. I thought... [His voice cracks, but he barrels through.] ...I thought of my own happiness before I thought of the impact the truth might have on you. By the time I realized how foolish I was, I... [He loved him. He loved him desperately, deeply, with every last shred of his dignity, with all the ferocity of a heart that's been mended in a man who's learning to live a new life.] ...I was too attached. I didn't want to let go of you.
[He looks at the wall, staring blankly ahead now.]
That isn't who I am now, but I can't erase my past. I can't bring any of them back. I am... what I created. [Albert closes his eyes, fighting back the tightness he feels in his throat.] And I am deeply, utterly sorry to have disappointed you, and to have exposed you to someone so unforgivable.
[He wants to tell him he loves him. That he's changed because of him. That Mitsuki alone made him believe he didn't need to harm anyone ever again. That his soul has been salvaged by this beautiful, bright, remarkable man.
But that's... selfish, too. He knows it is. He knows it would sound like begging, or perhaps manipulation, because he's all too skilled at that. He'd rather Mitsuki make up his own mind about things.
It will be lonely without him. He feels he'll lose hope entirely. But maybe that's for the best. He didn't deserve hope to begin with, after all.]
[Albert's heart is breaking, and Mitsuki feels like he's suffocating. He wants to make things better - that's all he's ever wanted to do. Ever since meeting Albert, he's wanted him to be happy. He's wanted to see him smile a genuine smile.
Seeing that lifeless smile again stings, feels almost like a slap in the face, but what is he expecting? He knows that nothing about this is fine. Nothing about this is okay. The man he thought he knew, the man he loved, is... A stranger, now.
Looking at Albert hurts, so he turns his gaze to the wall, to the furniture in the room, falling on the vanity and the mirror that's so familiar to him now. That's just as painful as looking at Albert, though, so he closes his eyes with a shuddery sigh.]
I... Need time. To think about this.
[His hands ball into fists, gripping the sheets tight. He's tense all over, coiled and ready to - ready to what, he doesn't know. He doesn't want to run, and he doesn't want to fight, but everything he feels is so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely hold himself together.]
But...
[...]
I'm not... Going to just give up on you, okay? I... I don't know what to do, but...
[He doesn't want to let go of Albert just yet - maybe he's the selfish one in all of this, still caring so deeply for someone who's done something so terrible. It hurts, though, seeing Albert like this, and the thought of never being able to see him with light in his eyes...
He doesn't know what he'd do, but he also doesn't know if he can stand the thought of... Any of this between them. He doesn't want to give Albert false hope, but he's never been so lost and felt so alone before. He can't tell anyone else about this, because he's sure they'd hate Albert, so...
[It might be more reasonable for Albert to not get his hopes up, but Mitsuki saying he won't give up on him makes a touch of the queasiness subside. Maybe... there's hope. Maybe they can still be friends. Something, anything, he'll take anything at this point because losing Mitsuki is the most painful thing he's thought of since he arrived here.
He needs time, and Albert will give it to him. He'll stay out of his way, give him space. He'll give him anything. The flowers will stop arriving at the bakery, and he won't stop by before heading to the office. They won't hold hands or kiss or be anything at all, as far as Albert is concerned. If he breaks things off for now in his heart, it will hurt less if they're never returned again.]
If... you'd like to talk to anyone, Ignis also knows. I confessed to him some time ago, when he noticed the problems I was having with William and Louis.
[Albert's heart feels so dull, his senses feel foggy... He can't see properly, but he doesn't realize that it's because he's crying for several moments. Then he makes a gentle movement to pull a handkerchief from his nightstand to cover his face with.]
I'm... so sorry. I don't have any right to be upset, I know that. I never intended to hurt you, though. Please... please know that. I only ever wanted to see you smile.
[As he clenches the handkerchief in one hand, he reaches for his phone with the other. It feels so... final, doing this. Acknowledging in his heart that if he does this, Mitsuki may never step into this house again. That they may never look at each other again. He doesn't doubt the sincerity of him not wanting to give up, but some things are just... insurmountable.
Again again again, he wants to tell him how much he loves him, how he doesn't want to live in this world without him. How much it destroys him to think that he's hurt Mitsuki.]
Let me call someone to take you home.
[He punches a few things into his phone with his thumb, fumbling like he hasn't been using it these six months. He has to stop and take a deep breath. This was his own fault. He did this. He ruined his own life. He deserves to suffer, to be alone. To lose the sun in his sky.
So why does it hurt? Why was he foolish enough to let himself love? Mitsuki isn't a soldier, he isn't anything so rough and terrible. He's an idol, a brilliant conversationalist, a gifted performer... He is leagues above what Albert deserves.
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no subject
But he can't get the lid open with his hands shaking so terribly, and he ends up simply cradling it in his hands on his lap as he hunches forward, hanging his head. The coughs turn to simply a great heaving of his shoulders as he steadies himself, his breath and his mind. The dreams usually leave him in a cold sweat for a while, then he can head back to sleep.
Not this time. This time... he's had a witness.]
no subject
He pushes himself upright, cautiously placing a hand on his back. He hopes the touch is soothing, rubbing for a moment and waiting for the coughing to subside. He shuffles closer and wraps himself around Albert once his breathing seems easier, closing his eyes.
He takes a slow breath, trying to sort through everything he saw and not sure where to start.]
Albert… It’s okay.
no subject
No. I'm sorry... I've been selfish, Mitsuki. I hope you can forgive me for that much, if not for the rest.
[Everything tells him to run, to continue the farce that is him being an upstanding, generous, helpful, perfect sort of man. He could lie right now. He could say it was just a nightmare that meant nothing... But lying to Mitsuki is the last thing he wants to do. He's avoided it this long, and he doesn't want to start now.
So, as the man he is--a Moriarty--he steels himself. He'll accept his punishment. He'll accept his sins catching up to him again. For a fleeting, sickening moment, he thinks that he's grateful he'll still have Ignis after this, when all he can do is mourn losing Mitsuki's trust and love.
It's the only end he can see for someone as good as Mitsuki. The man ought to run from this as fast as he can.
But it aches. He doesn't want pity, or understanding, or anything of the sort... yet the thought of losing Mitsuki at all makes him want to frankly die here and now. He was never good enough for him, he knows, but as he turns slightly and wraps his arms around Mitsuki, holding him more tightly than he ever has, he wishes more than anything that he could be enough.
The only thing that keeps him from crying is the absolute dread. The resignation. It's his own fault. He knows.]
no subject
His words catch in his throat, as it sinks in just how little he knows about Albert. There are things he knows about - his status, being in the military, his brothers, but... There's so many secrets, too. How many things has he kept hidden from him?
And why? What is he so afraid of Mitsuki knowing? What has he done that he sees as being unforgiveable?
(What if it really is something Mitsuki can't forgive? What if he loses Albert? The thought is horrifying, painful, and he feels his eyes stinging as he clings onto him.)]
Albert... Talk to me. Please.
[He sounds as desperate as he feels, and he's sure Albert can feel his fear through their bond, can sense the trepidation. He so desperately hope it's nothing, just more silly, outdated Victorian nonsense, but...
But...
He can't be so sure. Not after what he saw.]
no subject
And still, he steels himself for it.]
If I tell you what it was you saw, you won't look at me the same way again. You may even hate me. But... [His smile is thin, forced.] I owe you the truth. After all, even if I kept this secret forever it wouldn't change that I am... a monster, truly. You have every right to decide whether or not you can accept someone like me.
[His hands still shake, and all the emotions he's been frantically trying not to share suddenly settle into something cold and sad. Loneliness.]
I'm afraid I don't know where to begin. The shortest, simplest version of events... is that our world... No, our empire was rotten to the core. People of lower status had nothing, and there were those in the nobility who treated them as lower than dogs, as less than human. I, more than anyone, couldn't endure the cruelty of my peers, even from a very young age. I resolved to do something, anything, whatever I could...
[It's not the short version at all, he thinks, and he looks away for a moment. If only there was a way to convey what turmoil he went through, how much desperate thought went into his young idealism.]
So I, along with William and Louis, became vigilantes of a sort. To those nobles who killed people of the lower class, or did worse than simply kill, we meted out punishment where we could. We wanted to start a revolution, for the people to rise up and destroy the noble class. I will say until the end that I was the one who began it, and I vowed to see things through. From what I understand, at some point after my coming here, I was imprisoned for my part in everything. I know I don't deserve even to be alive, but an enduring punishment must've satisfied Her Majesty.
[Now a pang of fear and remorse runs through Albert, and he doesn't bother checking it at all. Mitsuki will likely feel it clearly. It doesn't miss his voice either, which is low and strained, like a man who's been screaming for hours.]
It cost me everything, Mitsuki. It cost me my very heart and soul. I became someone I loathed, and still do. I know that now. I was wrong, even if my cause was right.
no subject
There’s a lot left unsaid, a lot left implied, but it paints a clear enough picture. He can imagine the kind of punishment they meted out. He can picture it clearly - idealism taken to an extreme, but…
But does wanting to change the world make everything okay? Is it enough to justify murder?
Mitsuki…]
Albert…
[Mitsuki doesn’t know. It feels so unfathomable, something beyond what he could have anticipated or expected. He knows people kill for lesser reasons. He knows the place Albert is from is much from the world he knows, but…
It’s still so much.
It’s perhaps too much. How can he reconcile the past six months with Albert with all of this? If Albert knows he was wrong, then… Shouldn’t he allow him the chance to repent? To pay for his crimes? Is that even something he gets a say in?
He feels ill, and his grip on Albert loosens incrementally until he lets go, leaning back. He stares at the man for a long, long moment, at a complete and utter loss for words. It’s unusual for Mitsuki, who made his mark on the world with conversation, but… What does he say to all of this?
He doesn’t even know what to think. Can he be happy with Albert knowing about the blood on his hands? Can he offer him forgiveness? He’s no saint, he knows that much, and he knows Albert must fear that from the emotions that still linger between them.]
I don’t…
[He swallows.]
I don’t know what to think.
[All he knows is that it hurts and that it feels a bit like he’s been betrayed…
And that maybe he would have preferred never learning the truth.]
no subject
No. Of course not. In your position, I don't think I'd know what to think, either.
[Somehow, his hands steady, and he moves to open the water. But after a moment's thought, he offers it to Mitsuki instead. It's unopened, still.]
I was selfish. I know. Even that much was a sin in its own right. I thought... [His voice cracks, but he barrels through.] ...I thought of my own happiness before I thought of the impact the truth might have on you. By the time I realized how foolish I was, I... [He loved him. He loved him desperately, deeply, with every last shred of his dignity, with all the ferocity of a heart that's been mended in a man who's learning to live a new life.] ...I was too attached. I didn't want to let go of you.
[He looks at the wall, staring blankly ahead now.]
That isn't who I am now, but I can't erase my past. I can't bring any of them back. I am... what I created. [Albert closes his eyes, fighting back the tightness he feels in his throat.] And I am deeply, utterly sorry to have disappointed you, and to have exposed you to someone so unforgivable.
[He wants to tell him he loves him. That he's changed because of him. That Mitsuki alone made him believe he didn't need to harm anyone ever again. That his soul has been salvaged by this beautiful, bright, remarkable man.
But that's... selfish, too. He knows it is. He knows it would sound like begging, or perhaps manipulation, because he's all too skilled at that. He'd rather Mitsuki make up his own mind about things.
It will be lonely without him. He feels he'll lose hope entirely. But maybe that's for the best. He didn't deserve hope to begin with, after all.]
no subject
Seeing that lifeless smile again stings, feels almost like a slap in the face, but what is he expecting? He knows that nothing about this is fine. Nothing about this is okay. The man he thought he knew, the man he loved, is... A stranger, now.
Looking at Albert hurts, so he turns his gaze to the wall, to the furniture in the room, falling on the vanity and the mirror that's so familiar to him now. That's just as painful as looking at Albert, though, so he closes his eyes with a shuddery sigh.]
I... Need time. To think about this.
[His hands ball into fists, gripping the sheets tight. He's tense all over, coiled and ready to - ready to what, he doesn't know. He doesn't want to run, and he doesn't want to fight, but everything he feels is so overwhelming that he feels like he can barely hold himself together.]
But...
[...]
I'm not... Going to just give up on you, okay? I... I don't know what to do, but...
[He doesn't want to let go of Albert just yet - maybe he's the selfish one in all of this, still caring so deeply for someone who's done something so terrible. It hurts, though, seeing Albert like this, and the thought of never being able to see him with light in his eyes...
He doesn't know what he'd do, but he also doesn't know if he can stand the thought of... Any of this between them. He doesn't want to give Albert false hope, but he's never been so lost and felt so alone before. He can't tell anyone else about this, because he's sure they'd hate Albert, so...
What else can he do?]
no subject
He needs time, and Albert will give it to him. He'll stay out of his way, give him space. He'll give him anything. The flowers will stop arriving at the bakery, and he won't stop by before heading to the office. They won't hold hands or kiss or be anything at all, as far as Albert is concerned. If he breaks things off for now in his heart, it will hurt less if they're never returned again.]
If... you'd like to talk to anyone, Ignis also knows. I confessed to him some time ago, when he noticed the problems I was having with William and Louis.
[Albert's heart feels so dull, his senses feel foggy... He can't see properly, but he doesn't realize that it's because he's crying for several moments. Then he makes a gentle movement to pull a handkerchief from his nightstand to cover his face with.]
I'm... so sorry. I don't have any right to be upset, I know that. I never intended to hurt you, though. Please... please know that. I only ever wanted to see you smile.
[As he clenches the handkerchief in one hand, he reaches for his phone with the other. It feels so... final, doing this. Acknowledging in his heart that if he does this, Mitsuki may never step into this house again. That they may never look at each other again. He doesn't doubt the sincerity of him not wanting to give up, but some things are just... insurmountable.
Again again again, he wants to tell him how much he loves him, how he doesn't want to live in this world without him. How much it destroys him to think that he's hurt Mitsuki.]
Let me call someone to take you home.
[He punches a few things into his phone with his thumb, fumbling like he hasn't been using it these six months. He has to stop and take a deep breath. This was his own fault. He did this. He ruined his own life. He deserves to suffer, to be alone. To lose the sun in his sky.
So why does it hurt? Why was he foolish enough to let himself love? Mitsuki isn't a soldier, he isn't anything so rough and terrible. He's an idol, a brilliant conversationalist, a gifted performer... He is leagues above what Albert deserves.
He shouldn't have ever started this.]